survival mode

Right now I am operating in survival mode. My main objectives:

1. Sleep
2. Eat
3. Do whatever it takes to accomplish #1 and #2

This means that Natalie has gone to bed with her pacifier, and slept half the night in the swing. It also means I have lived off of granola bars for two days straight, because hey, those are food, right? And even if they aren't, sleep is my primary goal, and preparing food is a far, far second.

Do you know how little sleep one needs on a consistent basis to not fall over from exhaustion? I do. It's approximately 5 hours per night. It doesn't have to be (and isn't) five hours straight. It's more like an hour and a half here, and then a three hours stretch, and then a couple fifteen-minute cat naps.

And do you know how little food one needs to survive? Answer: two granola bars per day. It's amazing what little food it takes.

Natalie's six-week growth spurt threw me for a loop. I was so used to getting up only once during the night around the 3-4am hour, and only feeding her every three hours during the day. And then suddenly BAM! Midnight wakings, eating every two hours during the day. It was tough.

But, trying to be the best mom I could be, I powered through it. Heck, I even offered the remainder of my frozen breastmilk to my now formula-fed baby. Because "breast is best," right?

Big. Mistake. And that's Big with a capital "B."

You see, that breastmilk had been pumped during mastitis round one (Yes, there were two rounds. It was killer.), meaning I was on antibiotics.

Oh, the joys of antibiotics. Made me all better. Baby, not so much.

Natalie developed thrush. And I am hoping...heck, I am PRAYING, that the thrush is why she has had such a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Why she continually wakes all night long and won't sleep wither her pacifier, or the swing, or sometimes BOTH. It has been BRUTAL. I think I would rather have mastitis again.

Yes, I did say I would rather have mastitis again. Never thought I would say that. But the last time I slept through the night was...well, before Natalie was born. And the last time I got more than five hours of sleep was...a week ago?

We have been having a terrible time. Mostly me. I'm up all hours of the night, crying on the couch because everything is so much harder than I thought it would be. I can't sleep. I can't eat. All I do is stare at the ceiling, praying to God to make it easier. Praying that my baby will fall asleep somehow, and sleep for at least three hours. Praying that when that finally happens, that I will fall asleep soon, so I can maybe get two hours in. Praying that this horrible period will just be over.

And it's not over. But I'm still standing (barely). I'm still surviving.