i am selfish

I am a selfish person.

I'm also an introvert, which happens to be a large factor in this specific brand of selfishness I'm about to share with you.

It's ironic to me that the most important thing in my life is my family and friends, yet I frequently claim that I "don't need people." Which, to some extent, is true. I've never been one of those people who needs to interact with another person before I can fall asleep at night. In fact, when Darren is gone for the weekend I will frequently not speak to anyone for three days. Except perhaps the checkout clerk at Target or Cub. And that's only as long as it takes to say hello.

In high school I was the girl who stayed home on Friday nights reading and watching movies. Until my junior year when I decided to experience life. My junior and senior years of high school were a lot of fun. In college I didn't make friends with anyone except for my roommates. In fact, after four years of college there are only three people I speak with more than twice a year. Didn't experience much life there, I suppose.

I don't make friends easily. I know that and it's no one's fault but my own. In fact, I make friends the best with people who are loud and outspoken and extroverts. Probably because they can fill in the gaps. Of the six women I consider my closest friends, the women I feel comfortable telling anything to, all six of them fit in this category (hope I didn't offend any of ya'll by that; you know I love you). I am, actually, rather impressed I have six amazing friends I feel so comfortable with, considering my own introverted personality. However, half of them I know through my husband, and the other half I lived with in college, so I suppose I can't claim I went out of my way at all.

But my rambling about my friends isn't the issue here. This issue is my selfishness. My absolute desire to put myself before anyone else.

When my dad died it was a huge shock. No, shock is too calm of a word. It was disastrous, catastrophic. It was life-altering. And I needed people like never before. I realized, perhaps for the first time ever, how short life really is and how important the people in it are to me. And I told myself never, never again would I sit at home with myself and a book when I should be out experiencing the world.

That lasted for (you should see this coming) my junior and senior years of high school. And then it was college. It was new. It was scary. And I slowly (or maybe not-so-slowly) reverted back to my old ways. People became less important and I became more important.

It's hard for me to find the balance. And frequently when I finally want to spend some time with living, breathing people instead of the characters in a book or movie, no one is available.

But still, I keep trying. Darren has been a huge help in making me more sociable. You should have seen me before...In any case, I'm working towards placing more importance on spending time with people instead of selfishly guarding my time as my own. After 23 years, it can be a hard habit to break.