About Me

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I have two kids - a girl and a boy - and live in north-central Minnesota, land of snow and ice. Well, for 9 months of the year, that is. I work full-time for a local government, and on my "free time" I enjoy cooking, baking, hanging out with my kiddos, and RELAXING.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

found wanting

Do you know how it feels to be judged and found wanting?

Most of the time, I feel pretty good about myself and the way I look. I used to be fat.

Yes, it's true, and although some people would say "you carried your weight well" I know the truth to be that I was considerably overweight.

I lost 35 pounds, for Pete's sake. You can't lose 35 pounds and still look like I do unless you were very overweight to start with.

But lately I haven't been feeling very great about the way I look. It all started with p90x. And without the intent of placing blame on anyone's shoulders, I feel like I'm not good enough.

To be truthful, I've always been very sensitive about my weight and likely always will be, no matter what the scale says. I know I need to lose ten pounds. I don't need someone to tell me. Nor do I need someone to tell me how to do it and imply I'm not doing it well enough. Believe me, I know how to lose weight. And how not to lose weight.

Been there. Done that.

Sometimes I feel like my weight loss is discredited because it wasn't "the right way." Or "the fastest way." Or "the healthiest way." Or any other kind of way you can imagine.

If you lost a considerable amount of weight and you felt pretty good about yourself most of the time, and then someone came along and implied it wasn't good enough how do you think it would make you feel?

Devastated? Frustrated? Angry?

Me? It makes me feel all three of those. And it also makes me lose hope. I mean, if 35 pounds isn't good enough, who's to say 10 more will be? Why should I even bother? Why should I work through the pain and shovel three pounds of meat down my throat every day if this is all for nothing?

Because, honestly, it's not worth it. Not to me, it isn't. Not when it interferes with my peace of mind. If there was any one thing I learned in the two years it took me to lose 35 pounds, it was that I have to do it for myself, and myself alone. I have to do it because I want to see the change and I want to feel better about how I look. Not because anyone says I should.

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