October 23

Today is the six-year anniversary of my father's death.

Sometimes it feels like ages ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday.


I just spent five minutes staring at those two sentences, trying to think of something profound to say. I'm not in a profound state of mind, I guess, so I'll just be my normal self.

Today means so many things to me. It's a day to remember my dad. It's a day to miss him. But it's not a day to get bogged down in sadness and what-could-have-beens. Life is for living. If there was only one thing that this day has taught me, it is to never ever take life for granted.

I don't remember a lot about the year after my dad died. I'm not sure what I did for that first week. I do remember we got a lot of plants at the funeral. My mom never had plants before that, so it was strange. They're all gone now; our cats destroyed them. I remember a woman from church baked a loaf of chocolate-chocolate chip zucchini bread, a recipe I loved so much I later asked her for it. I still make it to this day. I remember students at the school making my brother, sister, and I a huge banner, telling us they were thinking about us. It hung on the wall in our basement for months before I finally took it down. I still have it. I pull it out every once in a while.

At the time I wondered how I would survive. But now, in hindsight, I can see it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Don't misunderstand; logically I know it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But I know I can do it again. And in all likelihood, I will.

Now is the perfect time for a good quote on character building. Too bad I don't know one. But it's true. I don't like to get into discussion about evil and pain in the world and why God allows it. (I get enough of that from my Christian Thought class.) I don't know that God was using my dad's death to build my character, but that's the effect that it had. I had a choice to blame God for what had happened or to trust Him. And I am a much stronger person today for the choice I made six years ago.

I heard this song on the radio this week. It's a song I've heard many times before, but hearing it this week, with my dad's death so fresh in my mind, made me consider it in a new light.



I Still Believe: Jeremy Camp


Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe