108 Things You Didn't Ask For And Probably Don't Want To Know

1. I own about 40 pairs of shoes and two pairs of jeans. It's all about priorities, man.

2. I did own three pairs of jeans but I just hemmed a pair and I made them too short.

3. Darn you, sewing machine.

4. I took a sewing class in high school and made a skirt and a pair of flannel pants. Also a wind sock.

5. I threw away the wind sock.

6. But I don't throw away normal socks.

7. Unless they have holes.

8. Husband tries to throw them away if they're missing a mate.

9. But I dig them out of the garbage and put them back in his drawer.

10. He doesn't like it.

11. He also doesn't like diet food.

12. I buy light hot dogs because they have half the calories of a Ball Park.

13. Then I eat two of them.

14. I'm addicted to SlimFast products. If you aren't, you should be.

15. Because my mother-in-law never bought bag lettuce or pre-shredded cheese (much unlike my own mother), I now spend my time washing and cutting lettuce and shredding my own cheese.

16. We own two cheese graters.

17. I once broke my toe on my sister's foot. In Fleet Farm.

18. It's the only bone I've ever broken.

19. Because of it, I stopped playing golf in high school.

20. I also hurt my shoulder playing golf in high school.

21. It still hurts to this day.

22. I have 15 exercise DVDs. I use 3 of them.

23. And yesterday I bought 7 more.

24. But I prefer the elliptical machine. I just don't have enough money to buy one yet.

25. I don't have enough money to buy those exercise DVDs either. That's why I bought them on ebay.

26. I buy a lot of things on ebay that I'm too cheap to pay for brand new. Like Lia Sophia.

27. I don't like coffee. It tastes like dirt.

28. I've never eaten dirt.

29. But I really like those childish desserts with the fake dirt and gummie worms.

30. I once ate a five-pound bag of gummie bears during a three-hour car ride.

31. I've also eaten German gummie bears. Those are tasty.

32. Gummie bears are probably my favorite form of gummie.

33. Much better than worms.

34. Whenever a recipe says to grease and flour a pan, I use Pam. Because, why not?

35. Pam is the fourth-greatest invention ever, behind adding machines, Google, and microwave popcorn.

36. Thank heaven for adding machines.

37. You know what annoys me about adding machines? When you have to hit the decimal button.

38. My adding machine is set up that way at work and I can't change it. But oh, did I ever try.

39. I might call the company later today.

40. If I have time.

41. And don't have any laundry or cleaning to do.

42. Or don't need to work out in the garden.

43. Or cook supper.

44. But I do have to cook supper because people are coming to dinner.

45. Why did I invite people to dinner?

46. They just had a baby. And I want to love on him.

47. I want a baby.

48. Whoa, did I just say that?

49. I don't want a baby yet.

50. Yesterday morning I got sick.

51. Husband thought it was morning sickness.

52. It wasn't.

53. I just downed a whole glass of yummy water right after exercising. Then I scrubbed the shower and inhaled a bunch of fumes.

54. My tummy didn't like it.

55. This is too much information.

56. And this is the way my brain normally operates.

57. You just hardly ever get to see me this way.

58. Well, what do you think? Do you like it?

59. Or not?

60. It doesn't matter if you do. I'm going to do it anyway.

61. I went to the grocery store today.

62. My fridge was hungry.

63. So was I.

64. I couldn't find the croutons.

65. They were with the salad dressing.

66. Makes sense.

67. I had an awkward moment with the carry-out boy.

68. Again.

69. Have I mentioned I have awkward moments very frequently?

70. Because I do.

71. Did I ever tell you about the time I fell on the hill at school? And bruised my tailbone?

72. No?

73. Maybe some other time.

74. I was wearing one of my 40 pairs of shoes. And they were not winter-appropriate.

75. That is usually the case when I fall down in the winter.

76. Except for my Doc Martins.

77. You would think they would be good for snow.

78. Not so.

79. I have fallen many times in my Docs.

80. I also fell down the stairs once at my house while wearing inappropriate shoes.

81. Onto a concrete floor.

82. Maybe I will make a big blog post about all the times I've fallen down because of bad shoes.

83. It would probably take me 40 minutes to write it.

84. Mental note: Write incredibly long blog post about embarrasing falling-down stories due to lack of decent footwear.

85. I know you're excited.

86. As if this post isn't exciting enough.

87. I have seven tomato plants at home.

88. The tomatoes are starting to grow.

89. I don't like tomatoes.

90. Except in salsa.

91. I LOVE salsa.

92. I bought a raspberry salsa I'm excited to try.

93. The label says it's made especially for summer.

94. Because regular salsa is for winter?

95. You know what else is for winter?

96. Homemade ice cream.

97. And isn't that just the opposite of what it should be?

98. Sometimes life has weird opposites.

99. Like breakfast for dinner.

100. That's what I had for dinner last night.

101. Delicious blueberry pancakes.

102. With Aunt Jemima Lite syrup.

103. It's strange that Mrs. Buttersworth comes in a bottle shaped like a woman.

104. I usually don't buy her.

105. It seems somehow wrong to eat something you've poured out of a woman.

106. Wrong like green ketchup.

107. Some things should not have been invented.

108. Like this post.